I’ve been working really hard at my recovery since my mastectomy on Tuesday. It is interesting that the pain from the surgery has not been too bad. However, the emotional roller coaster is real!!
Cancer and its aftereffects are horrible. I am fortunate that my breast cancer was found early but when it came time to look at myself in the mirror for the first time, well it was devastating! I cried when I saw my disfigured breast area. It was nothing like I thought it would look like…here I am looking at my normal breast and looking at something out of a horror movie.
Today, I was trying on clothes so that I could go to church. It was a struggle! It seemed like everything that I thought would look good actually seemed to accentuate my missing boob and the grenade drain . Maybe it would not have been so bad but I have a fairly large boob so I felt that my normal boob stuck out like a sore thumb. I had a meltdown…I sobbed like a baby. Tears and snot flowing down my face as I tried to come to terms with the revelation that this is my new normal for quite awhile and that I actually do care about my body image more than I ever realized. I looked so lopsided…like a woman on one side and a eight year old girl on the other!
I posted earlier about the “Three B’s” and I have always prided myself on not buying into the societal BS surrounding what I “should” look like to meet the ‘norm.’ But I am finding out that I’m afraid to venture out into the real world because I feel that people will be staring at me because I am suddenly different.
I am struggling with the fact that I have three large social functions coming up this weekend. As of right now, I cannot use a prosthesis breast form because my wound has not recovered enough and I have not been prescribed one at this time. I am already trying to decide what I will wear so that I will feel comfortable surrounded by people who knew me before my surgery. It is crazy because I find myself trying to make sure whatever I wear will also make them feel comfortable being around me! How crazy is that??
The grieving process is real and painful! I have said that cancer will not define me but it does until I can come to grips with the changes and the loss. I am truly struggling with this thought process. I am someone who is really social and I just want to hide right now. This will pass…I know that it will. I have to remember that I can have down days, sad days, angry days, bad days, and that I have to grieve the loss of part of me. I have to remember that I have to be able to allow myself the latitude to experience all of these feelings and not feel guilty for feeling them.