Lori Mould's everyday life!

Meltdown January 15, 2017

I’ve been working really hard at my recovery since my mastectomy on Tuesday. It is interesting that the pain from the surgery has not been too bad. However, the emotional roller coaster is real!!

Cancer and its aftereffects are horrible. I am fortunate that my breast cancer was found early but when it came time to look at myself in the mirror for the first time, well it was devastating! I cried when I saw my disfigured breast area. It was nothing like I thought it would look like…here I am looking at my normal breast and looking at something out of a horror movie.

Today, I was trying on clothes so that I could go to church. It was a struggle! It seemed like everything that I thought would look good actually seemed to accentuate my missing boob and the grenade drain . Maybe it would not have been so bad but I have a fairly large boob so I felt that my normal boob stuck out like a sore thumb. I had a meltdown…I sobbed like a baby. Tears and snot flowing down my face as I tried to come to terms with the revelation that this is my new normal for quite awhile and that I actually do care about my body image more than I ever realized. I looked so lopsided…like a woman on one side and a eight year old girl on the other!

I posted earlier about the “Three B’s” and I have always prided myself on not buying into the societal BS surrounding what I “should” look like to meet the ‘norm.’  But I am finding out that I’m afraid to venture out into the real world because I feel that people will be staring at me because I am suddenly different.

I am struggling with the fact that I have three large social functions coming up this weekend. As of right now, I cannot use a prosthesis breast form because my wound has not recovered enough and I have not been prescribed one at this time. I am already trying to decide what I will wear so that I will feel comfortable surrounded by people who knew me before my surgery. It is crazy because I find myself trying to make sure whatever I wear will also make them feel comfortable being around me! How crazy is that??

The grieving process is real and painful! I have said that cancer will not define me but it does until I can come to grips with the changes and the loss. I am truly struggling with this thought process. I am someone who is really social and I just want to hide right now. This will pass…I know that it will. I have to remember that I can have down days, sad days, angry days, bad days, and that I have to grieve the loss of part of me. I have to remember that I have to be able to allow myself the latitude to experience all of these feelings and not feel guilty for feeling them.

 

Cancer! It is Hard! December 30, 2016

Cancer! I think this is one of the scariest and ugliest words in the English language. How can a word that only contains six letters be so terrifying?

I walked out of the parking complex yesterday and in front of me loomed this huge building. Its architecture is quite impressive with its large windows that beckon to the sunlight and views of the Buffalo skyline. But at the end of the day, it is a building filled with people. People from every walk of life, every culture, every ethnicity, every race, every sex and sexual orientation, every socioeconomic background, there is so much diversity within these walls. You see, cancer does not discriminate!

What’s even more impressive are the people behind those doors. These people who are fighting the fight…the ones who fight to be strong, positive, and understanding of the feelings of their loved ones. The ones who have Googled and researched “their cancer” to become as educated as they can about this cancer, their treatments, and their survival rate. The ones who tell their loved ones that everything is going to be okay. The ones who are scared but try not to show it. The ones who try to put on a brave face every morning and face the day when sometimes all they want to do stay in bed and cry. The ones who are making decisions that they never thought and/or wanted to make. The ones who are looking cancer straight in the face and saying, “You will not defeat me!”

These people who are families and friends. They are devastated by this cancer news. They are trying to be strong and supportive. They are scared for their loved one. They are Googling and researching their person’s cancer so that they can better understand the fight that is to come. They try to hide their emotions as they support their loved one. For some, this is not their first time watching someone they love deal with cancer.

But let’s not forget about the people who have some of the toughest jobs in the world…each person working within this complex has a unique opportunity to change the outlook of the people they encounter during the day. They have to be compassionate, understanding, empathetic, tough, honest…sometimes brutally honest, dedicated, helpful, brilliant at their chosen craft, and the list goes on. The ones who continue to research to find a way to beat this cancer.

As I entered into the hospital, it struck me. Everyone within this structure was in the mist of life altering experiences. It is hard not to look at the faces of the people that I talked to and passed in the various waiting rooms. It is hard not to wonder about those life’s that will never be the same because of this fight. It is hard to determine who the patients are and who the family members are, in some cases. It is hard to understand the full extent of what I am about to go through. It is hard to know that my family and friends have to go through this too. It is hard to understand how that nasty six letter word has taken so many amazing people before their time. It is hard to know that there is something lurking inside your body that wants to snuff out your dreams and wreak havoc on your body, mind, and soul. It is hard to realize that cancer is big business. It is hard to make decisions that one should not have to make. It is hard!!